Nanay's 2nd Day of Burial

I didn't make it on her first night. I decided I'll pass, I think I'm still in denial. It was her first night and I wasn't there. At least I wrote about it.

I said I can't cry but after finally releasing this post here - it was like officially accepting this one new fact of my reality - I finally let my first tear roll down upon my face. Followed by two or three more.

I don't want to be succumbed by this treacherous feeling of loss and so, I compose myself; deeply breathing in and out, kissing my little baby's forehead while squeezing him a little tighter with my other hand entangled with my husband's until finally my racing mind slept away.

I woke from a sleepless dream, saw the gloomy morning rain and felt a heavy burden in my chest, as if I shouldn't let my excitement for this cold breeze consumed me (you know how I love the rain and all that), but grief should. Then I remember her. I close my eyes and hear her call my name, "Arlene". Oh yes, grandma just died.

No, we are not that close - now, I wish we were. I shouldn't have let her seek me, it should have been me. I should have been the one making the first moves. The initiative to show affection. Visit her. Take care of her. Comb her hair maybe. Massage her back before going to bed. Put on lotion after bath. I used to have excuses, now I have regrets.

Now I wish I could reach out to her and hug her and tell her I love her. And that I want to see her smiling face. Laugh on Olive Oil with her. Watch reruns of her favorite afternoon tv shows.

Last night I prayed hard. I thank God that at least we had that wonderful chance to have her with us. I prayed to keep her in His memories and have a stronger faith that we'll have another hug, a chat, forever even very soon on Paradise earth.

I concluded this is really not the end. There is still hope - of future resurrection.

Today is the second day. I woke up early. Took a bath. Take babe with me. This time we will not visit her on the ICU. This time, we'll be with our love ones in the heart of Makati avenue - Funeraria Filipinas. Comforting each other's mourning hearts.

Today is the second day and this is my second cup of coffee, this is my supper.

This is a lone lonely place. This is where hearts are broken, hopes shattered. Dreams died. This is also where hope is budding, just right after acceptance and some warm comforts given to the mourners.

Today, I remind myself about the resurrection. I think I'll be reading about it, just so I could refresh my mind and will definitely share it with my nonbeliever family and friends.

The outline of my silver lining is very shallow and light and I have faith it will shine through.

I'll just sit here on the far most end of this hall and wait - holding on.