Monday, September 23, 2013

Nanay's 2nd Day of Burial

I didn't make it on her first night. I decided I'll pass, I think I'm still in denial. It was her first night and I wasn't there. At least I wrote about it.

I said I can't cry but after finally releasing this post here - it was like officially accepting this one new fact of my reality - I finally let my first tear roll down upon my face. Followed by two or three more.

I don't want to be succumbed by this treacherous feeling of loss and so, I compose myself; deeply breathing in and out, kissing my little baby's forehead while squeezing him a little tighter with my other hand entangled with my husband's until finally my racing mind slept away.

I woke from a sleepless dream, saw the gloomy morning rain and felt a heavy burden in my chest, as if I shouldn't let my excitement for this cold breeze consumed me (you know how I love the rain and all that), but grief should. Then I remember her. I close my eyes and hear her call my name, "Arlene". Oh yes, grandma just died.

No, we are not that close - now, I wish we were. I shouldn't have let her seek me, it should have been me. I should have been the one making the first moves. The initiative to show affection. Visit her. Take care of her. Comb her hair maybe. Massage her back before going to bed. Put on lotion after bath. I used to have excuses, now I have regrets.

Now I wish I could reach out to her and hug her and tell her I love her. And that I want to see her smiling face. Laugh on Olive Oil with her. Watch reruns of her favorite afternoon tv shows.

Last night I prayed hard. I thank God that at least we had that wonderful chance to have her with us. I prayed to keep her in His memories and have a stronger faith that we'll have another hug, a chat, forever even very soon on Paradise earth.

I concluded this is really not the end. There is still hope - of future resurrection.

Today is the second day. I woke up early. Took a bath. Take babe with me. This time we will not visit her on the ICU. This time, we'll be with our love ones in the heart of Makati avenue - Funeraria Filipinas. Comforting each other's mourning hearts.

Today is the second day and this is my second cup of coffee, this is my supper.

This is a lone lonely place. This is where hearts are broken, hopes shattered. Dreams died. This is also where hope is budding, just right after acceptance and some warm comforts given to the mourners.


Today, I remind myself about the resurrection. I think I'll be reading about it, just so I could refresh my mind and will definitely share it with my nonbeliever family and friends.

The outline of my silver lining is very shallow and light and I have faith it will shine through.


I'll just sit here on the far most end of this hall and wait - holding on.

Sunday, September 22, 2013

Everyone is Sick!

We started this week in a bad note, we all got sick. Real sick – as in can't-get-up sick! Though we still are unsure where and how did we get it, we got it bad. Real bad! Every one of us including babe (especially babe) got a persistent 39 degree Celsius of fever. Aside from constant high body temperature, we had the feeling of vomiting (but didn't really get to the point of doing it – unfortunately, babe is), nausea, loose bowel movement, lethargy, joint and muscle pain and severe abdominal cramps. I think we either had food poisoning or the water was contaminated (which is poisoning as well).

It really is sad that babe is getting the worst of it! He is so gullible! If we are “howling” in excruciating pain what more he? We took him to his pedia right after I gave him the “first aid” of his first lbm and fever. We still are checking on him, on each of us for that matter. And I think we are getting to the “get well soon” very very soon, I hope.

It really took the toll in us. We didn’t get to “go-to-work” in a matter of not meeting up with the deadlines, postponing meetings and literally not answering emails, phones and mobiles. The house was a ransack. We get to live on bread, congee and the good old take out – which is not a healthy choice, I know, but who will cook? (and speaking of cooking, we ran out of gas – yep, we still aren’t using our futuristic digital touchscreen stove!  We’re saving it for our new home! And the fridge gave up on us a couple of days ago... so yeah, we had to buy a new one right after this sick week pass).

I thought we hit the bottom but as unfortunate as this week is, we end this up having a burial. My grandma just died. Instead of being with her on her final week, we didn't. Now, I know how we will do this week - vigil.
Hope to see a silver lining in this dark dark clouds. ;'(

My Nanay Passed Away

She is my mom's mom. She's small, fair, has small chinese eyes and a big heart. I love her dearly and I am sad that I hadn't express that affection to her - now, is all a little too late.

My nickname is Aileen and she used to call me Arlene. I won't never forget how she calls me - her tone and her accent.

I don't want to be mean, but sometimes I felt betrayed, that she has more "moments" with her other "favorite" grandchildren, than me and my siblings - because they live together, and we are only there when there's an occasion or when everyone is free during vacations. This bad feeling I also felt to her husband, two years ago, when he died. I thought we still had a chance to connect, to bond after all we moved back here in Makati for good. To let them felt love and make them feel appreciated, to surprise them that they neglect their sweetest apo, and so, I would have a special place in their hearts. Now, both of them are gone.

I can't cry. I want to but I just can't. No tears are falling down. Just deep sighs. Deep meaningful sighs, with that longing of hugging them, to peck them on their cheeks and smell their scents. Sigh.

I don't want to sound bitter and ungrateful, and just to justify myself - deep down I know I felt bad because I am just like a shy kid on that corner over there, looking upon them, while longing for their love and attention.
To end this post, I will share to you my favorite moment with Lola.

I can't cry, but I'm sad and just happy that we had the chance to be with you, Nanay. I love you. See you in paradise.

When The Baby Is Sick

"Being sick" is different when it comes to my baby - this time, it is not me ( I don't worry that much when I got the flu or a fever), this time, it is my precious little bundle of joy - I became panicky, and conclude bizzare things and I tend to  over-analyze.

The feeling is not the same. The latter is worse. Making the baby feel better is hard. Worrying is a different story. It is a long slow process that will never leave my mind until all is well, while panicking is nerve-racking and both are seriously not helping. Worse comes to worst, and still, sleep is not your friend. It could actually be your lifetime nightmare – you know that- but if you are still wondering why, you are either not a parent or haven't learned about it yet, that, every second counts. Every minute the body temperature tick a rise is a threat to baby’s overall welfare today and for the rest of his life.

My baby and I got sick. He got the fever and I got worried sick. The weather is not helping us either, pouring down cats and dogs and dog barks!

I am hoping our next week will be better... Stay positive!

Monday, September 16, 2013

My Successful Breastfeeding for Six (6) Consecutive Months Story!

August is National Breastfeeding Awareness Month. And as a tribute, I will tell the tale of my first successful breastfeeding experience...
When I was pregnant, I leaked milk and although I don't have that much of a boob, (I'm far away from cup D - Asian thing or not?) it is a silver lining to me (as a brand new mom)- a hope that maybe I could actually breastfeed my infant.
No that's not mine - still pregnant at this photo above - I'm just "practicing' with my friend's babe - say hi baby Rain!

Fast forward --- I am proud to (redundantly) say that  "I exclusively breastfed babe for six consecutive months", still breastfeeding him at age 1 year and 4 months and pledge to continue as long as I can until he self-wean. That is how dedicated I am.

But before becoming this self-proclaimed-breastfeeder advocate. I'm reluctant, in-doubt and at the verge of giving up...

I did prepare myself. I researched online, read books, blogged about my personal experiences going through my pregnancy and ask my OB {the very reason your OB should be like your BFF} and still first hand experience is a lot different - and difficult.
Of course, we all are not the same. My shoes won't fit yours, but the thing is, we all are wearing uniform shoes - to do the best we can for our nurslings.
I gave birth around 3pm on a Saturday after a 2day dry labor. I felt I wasn't going to make it until my OB saw a soft black hairy ball peaking and my determination to "push" and cuddle that fur ball became so intense I held my breath for 20 long seconds while "pushing" until it finally popped! Way easier said than done!
Unfortunately though, babe's first milk is formula given to him since I'm knockout and woke around 6pm still groggy. Good thing they initialize to bring the babe to me at around 11pm to breastfeed. Note to self: on next pregnancy, I will talk to the doctor first hand, that I have to breastfeed babe. Formula milk? Thanks but no thank you very much.

Like I said, it was SO hard! All I felt was pain - a burning sensation and I felt like I was a dry well (where are those leaking milk go?). I feel for mom who undergo C-section, I bet it was a lot more difficult for them. So thank heavens, I successfully gave birth via NSD (normal spontaneous delivery).
As discretion, I edited my breastfeeding photo above but no, I don't cover up when I breastfeed outside, in the mall or restaurant. I even breastfeed on makeup events, workshops and seminars just so to educate future moms to breastfeed as well.

Babe is a good latcher - so the problem was me. I think I'm not confident enough to do it. In doubt that my supply is not enough to make him full, and so on and so forth... To summarize my agony, my false agony and to make you nursers out there more courageous to breastfeed, below is my favorite lists of essential points breastfeeders should know, I got this from my favorite mom newsletter at ...
  • Don’t believe that breastfeeding is supposed to hurt and that sore nipples are the norm, or perhaps even a badge of courage for toughing-it-out. If the baby is latched on to the breast properly and draining it, breastfeeding should not hurt!
  • Do teach your baby to “breastfeed” and not “nipple feed." To do so, start by holding your breast steady and compress it into a pointy shape with your hand. Next, bring the baby to you, trying to have your nipple go deep into the baby’s mouth into the S spot (between the baby’s hard and soft palate).
  • Don’t stuff your breast into the baby’s mouth. Instead, bring your baby “to you.” To accomplish this, support the baby well, holding him along his spine and at the base of his head.
  • Do use RAM (rapid arm movement), and bring your baby (or RAM him) onto the breast in a quick-swift motion, allowing the baby to take the breast as deeply into his throat as he can.
  • Don’t get discouraged. If your latch hurts try again. If you allow the baby to nurse in a way that hurts you, your baby will not get the message that he needs to nurse deeper. When a mom and her baby share the experience of being on the breast deeply, with practice, mom will be able to nurse pain free.
  • Do feed your baby 8-10 times in a 24 hour period and look for dirty diapers to know if your baby is getting enough milk daily. What goes in must come out. You need to see 6-8 wet and or dirty diapers in a 24 hour period for the first 8 weeks of life.
  • Don’t allow you or your baby to feel unhappy and dissatisfied. If you are in pain, not getting enough soiled diapers, feel unsure or discouraged, find a qualified Lactation Consultant to help guide and support you in the process.
One of the reasons that help me out was to be in contact to those who support your goal - to breastfeed. You should make sure that your baby's Pedia and your OB are in your boat, not the waves that'll test you, but support you row your way out to successfully exclusively breastfeed your babe for 6 months or so. Remember, the longer the better.

What's your breastfeeding success story? Share away!

Thursday, September 12, 2013


Hi mom entrepreneurs, I would just like to share this email I got from Ma'am Janice...
Dear Moms,
We are gearing up for our event for active and aspiring mom entrepreneurs entitled PASSION & PURPOSE: The 2nd MOMPRENEUR SUMMIT happening on September 14, 2013 9am to 4pm at the Blue Leaf Events Pavilion at McKinley Hill, Bonifacio Global City.
This year's theme, Passion and Purpose, aims to encourage and inspire mompreneurs to create and establish businesses created for a cause and founded with heart. These two driving forces are the keys behind every successful business-both of which are values innate to every mompreneur. The summit aims to help mompreneurs develop these values, helping them re-discover the passion to achieve something on top of being an active mom and successful homemaker, and uncover a greater purpose and a deeper, more meaningful motivational drive in finding fulfillment in their businesses through its impact on other people's lives.
The 2nd Mompreneur Summit features speakers to provide valuable learnings and insights. Following is the programme line up:
 AMOR MACLANG: Doing Well & Doing Good
ANNE GONZALEZ: Positioning your Brand towards Success: THE HAVAIANAS Story
AJ & AUDREY DIMARUCOT: Big biz or small Biz: Purposeful Branding
JENNI EPPERSON: Harnessing Passion Towards Success
JOY ABAQUIN: Using your Multiple Intelligences to make a Difference
We invite you to attend this event! We have limited seats available so please sign up as soon as possible. Click here for registration details:
We are also holding the 1st MOMPRENEUR MANILA AWARDS Ceremony during the event. Read more about it here:
Thank you for reading and have a blessed week!
Warm regards,
P.S. Please feel free to pass on this email to your friends and family who might be interested:)
Two more days to go! :) I wouldn't make it but I do hope it would be a success. Moms help moms! xx Register now!